


Disconnect

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, FWB Kk, Fluff, Light Angst, Light Dom/sub, Loneliness, M/M, Oral Sex, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-13 04:55:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20576807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: It was a little discussed thing between the two of them, and certainly nothing Kyo would refer to as a relationship, but they had what one might call an arrangement. There were no feelings that they let themselves get entangled in; it was just sex, as needed, and there wasn’t anything more they really required from one another.“Kyo? Die’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. “Are you okay?”Kyo faltered. What really made his and Kaoru’s arrangement work was, he had to assume, the fact that no one else knew a thing about it. It felt wrong to lie to Die's face, but he couldn't imagine his reaction if he found out the truth. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! New story and this one's got a bit of Kk but it's not really the romantic kind, so I don't want anyone to get too excited about it. You can still enjoy the non-romantic aspects of it, though!!
> 
> Also, hey, guess what, it's my birthday this week! On Wednesday! So, if you waaanna give me a present or do something nice for me, maybe go and leave me a nice comment on one (or more?!?) of your favorite fics of mine! Even if it's one you've already commented on, if it's something maybe you still think about sometimes, or reread, it would absolutely make my day (or my week, probably) to hear what you like about it. I always love to hear from y'all any day of the year, though. Thanks for reading xoxo!

Kyo adjusted his earbuds as he walked towards the baggage claims area at Haneda airport. There was always a sense of relief when they returned to Tokyo after a tour, especially an overseas one, and today was no exception. Much as Kyo loved performing, and happy as he was that they were able to do shows for their foreign fans, he couldn’t pretend he really enjoyed traveling abroad. It was always just a stressful experience, making him feel lost and out of place, and he was comforted being safely back in Japan.

Just as he was pulling his duffel bag off the baggage carousel, Kaoru appeared next to him so quietly that Kyo almost jumped. He caught himself though, and nodded in greeting instead.

“Glad to be back?” Kaoru asked, his eyes watching for his own suitcase to come out.

“Always relieved to be back after a tour.”

“Mm, finally get some privacy for once,” Kaoru said.

“Among other things,” Kyo agreed. “Looking forward to just getting home, back in my own space.”

Kaoru nodded. “You know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home is?”

Kyo considered. There were a lot of things _he’d_ want to do, a bath and a nap possibly topping the list. He watched as Kaoru hefted his suitcase off the carousel and shook his head at him. “What?”

Kaoru leaned in close, tugging one of Kyo’s earbuds so it fell down over his shoulder. “I’m gonna jack off until I can’t even see straight. Might not even make it to the bedroom before I start.” And just like that, he was out of Kyo’s personal bubble again, licking his lips as he walked away.

Kyo was never that good at hiding when he was totally lit on fire, and Kaoru always knew exactly how to do it. His words seemed to echo in Kyo’s mind, accompanied by some quite lovely visuals provided by Kyo’s own imagination. He took a few seconds to pull himself together enough to start moving after Kaoru, intent on asking whether or not he was _invited_.

It was a little discussed thing between the two of them, and certainly nothing Kyo would refer to as a _relationship_, but they had what one might call an _arrangement_. It worked for them. It had worked for years, even, and neither had ever expressed any dissatisfaction with it. There were no feelings that they let themselves get entangled in; it was just sex, as needed, and there wasn’t anything more they really required from one another.

Kyo was only a few steps from catching up to Kaoru when there was a hand pulling at his jacket sleeve and he whirled around to find Die smiling broadly at him.

“Hey! I’ve been calling you, but I guess you’ve got your earbuds in,” he said, letting go of Kyo’s sleeve. “Where are you going in such a hurry?”

“Oh, I was—” Kyo faltered. What really made his and Kaoru’s arrangement work was, he had to assume, the fact that no one else knew a thing about it. “Just trying to catch Kaoru,” he finished, truthfully but without detail.

“I didn’t even see him up there,” Die said, craning to spot Kaoru through the sea of people making their way out of the airport. “What did you need him for? Was it important?”

Kyo froze for a second before hurriedly shaking his head. “It’s nothing. I’ll just text him later.”

As important as his _dick_ might have thought it was, Kyo wasn’t about to claim to Die that there was some life-or-death reason he needed to catch up with Kaoru. Besides, the way they usually operated, Kaoru would text him later with more information if he wanted him; where to meet him, what he should be wearing…

“Kyo? Die’s voice pulled him from his thoughts again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Kyo said, and pulled his bag up on his shoulder.

He felt a little bad, really. He didn’t like lying to anyone, and certainly not to those with whom he was close. He and Die had grown considerably closer lately, and he didn’t want to give him the idea that he was trying to brush him off—even though he basically was.

This past tour in particular Kyo had really bonded with Die. Anytime Kyo was getting down on himself, reaching some low point as he was wont to do, especially on tour when he worked himself harder than usual and was more vulnerable to bouts of extreme self-loathing, Die seemed to just _be _there. He never made Kyo talk about what was bothering him if he didn’t want to, but he was always _there_, ready to talk about anything else as a distraction. More than once they’d ended up talking late into the night, and Kyo found that he laughed more with Die, more than he did with just about anyone.

Even the painfully long plane ride back to Tokyo had seemed less torturous because Kyo had been sitting by Die the whole time, reading over his shoulder, sharing his earbuds to listen to something on Die’s phone, even _sleeping_. Die was a comfortable enough presence beside him that Kyo hadn’t had any trouble falling asleep on the plane, had even got a few solid hours of rest, and it was seriously appreciated.

That said, Kyo felt, especially given their strengthened friendship, it was wrong to lie to Die’s face. But what was he supposed to say? ‘_Oh sorry Die, I was just thinking abut how I’d like to meet up with our band leader and get my brains fucked out_’? There were good reasons that he and Kaoru kept their business private. He literally couldn’t imagine a response Die might have that would be positive.

“Just weird to be back?” Die said, and Kyo realized how quiet he’d been again, that Die was still concerned after his well-being.

“I guess so,” Kyo said. “Takes some adjusting.”

Die nodded, like he understood, which sent another pang of guilt through Kyo. Yes, that would have been reasonable. Adjusting to everyday life after an overseas tour was surely something Die could relate to, unlike the real source of Kyo’s distraction.

As they walked, Kyo cast a discreet glance over at Die’s face. Perhaps he was underestimating him. After all, they _had_ grown closer during the tour. Maybe even if Kyo told him what was going on in his head, how Kaoru had worked him up, Die would still get it, crack a joke, and move forward. It could even be nice to have someone to talk to about the situation, since it really _wasn’t_ a relationship, and it was kind of exhausting to keep it a secret.

Honestly Kyo didn’t feel like now was the time, not when they were worming their way out of a busy airport and dead tired from spending however many godforsaken hours on a plane. But he thought it could be something he opened up to Die about at some future date.

“Did you wanna share a cab?” Die asked as they were finally nearing the actual exit. “We live in the same direction, yeah?”

Kyo pushed aside the thought that he might miss the beginning of Kaoru’s “show” if he stopped by home first, and said, “Yeah, we do. Good idea.” There was no way he’d go to Kaoru’s without dropping off his luggage and changing his clothes anyway.

Not even two hours later, Kyo was arriving at Kaoru’s apartment as he’d been instructed to. The text had come during Kyo’s shared cab ride home with Die, telling him how to prepare and when to show up, and Kyo could only hope he hadn’t blushed too noticeably as he’d read it. Die hadn’t commented on anything, so maybe he’d managed to keep it together decently well.

The ride itself had been predictably comfortable up until that point, but after the text had come in, Kyo had had a little more difficulty focusing on the conversation he’d been having with Die; Kaoru never was one to mince words, and he’d laid out pretty clearly what he had in mind for them that evening.

Kyo had barely been tuned in enough to hear Die ask, “…so, if you’re not busy, we could check it out later, if you want?”

Kyo stared blankly at him. “Check it out?”

“The… the restaurant that I was just telling you about?” Die raised an eyebrow, then shook his head, chuckling. “You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve been saying.”

“No, I was!” Kyo said quickly. “Or, I meant to be. I’m sorry, my head’s just somewhere else.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

“Tell me just the last bit again?”

Die sighed. “Great new Mexican restaurant across from the train station. One of the techs recommended it to me.”

“You and your spicy food,” Kyo said with a smirk.

“What can I say? I like ‘em hot,” Die said, grinning. “So? Did you wanna go?”

“Oh—wait, tonight?” Kyo grimaced. He did want to go. Having dinner with just Die at some place he was excited about sounded like a pretty good time, but… “I’m sorry, I… actually already have plans.”

“Oh,” Die said. “Yeah, that’s cool. Some other time.”

“Definitely.”

The taxi had arrived at Kyo’s building not long after that, and Die had quite fallen from Kyo’s mind.

It wasn’t something Kyo was totally sure he liked, but Kaoru seemed to bring out in him an almost obsessive quality. He got so deep in the mindset of what Kaoru wanted, what they would both get out of it, he had little room for anything else in his head.

And he certainly didn’t have room for anything else when Kaoru had him bent over his kitchen table, his ass crammed full of a lurid purple vibrator and his hard cock leaking onto the hardwood floor.

It was often this way with Kaoru. Kyo would give up any control and be totally at Kaoru’s mercy, to use, to play with, to take his pleasure from. Only when Kaoru was finished would he allow Kyo to find his own end, but somehow they always ended up being some of the most satisfying orgasms of Kyo’s life.

Kyo let out a moan as Kaoru cranked the vibrations up a notch and angled the toy to press against Kyo’s prostate. It was borderline painful, but Kyo wasn’t one to call his safeword just over some discomfort.

On the contrary, with how long it had been since they’d played, he welcomed anything Kaoru would give to him, knew it would make the release that much sweeter in the end.

Which was not to say that there weren’t things Kyo might have liked that he didn’t get. For example, he currently would have liked for that damn vibrator to be removed so Kaoru would fill him up with his cock instead, or he would have liked to at least get a hand around his own dick so he could bring himself off—but he’d been instructed not to move his hands from where they’d been placed on the table, and judging by the way Kaoru was standing to one side and lazily stroking his own cock, it didn’t seem likely that he planned on actually fucking Kyo tonight.

That was okay, though. Kyo trusted Kaoru to know what would feel best for both of them. It was nice to not have to think about it.

Kyo turned his face, let his cheek rest fully on the tabletop so he could watch how Kaoru was touching himself. He longed to have those skillful hands on his own body, but Kaoru wasn’t even holding onto the vibrator anymore, apparently more interested in making Kyo squirm and then stepping back.

And Kyo certainly did squirm. He didn’t feel like he could really manage much else. His hands clenched and unclenched but didn’t move from their place on the table. 

“Kao,” he said weakly. He wasn’t prepared to beg, not yet, but sometimes Kaoru did need to be stirred from his own thoughts, reminded to give Kyo some kind of attention.

Kaoru just looked at him impassively. Then he pulled a chair over in front of him, turned it sideways, and glanced down at it briefly. “Come here. Stay bent over, and keep that toy in.”

Kyo bit his lip. He’d learned that, “_Yes sir_” wasn’t really what Kaoru wanted to hear, but sometimes he still had to physically suppress the instinct. He moved as instructed, leaning his hands on the seat of the chair, while his ass stayed up, clenched tight around the vibrator to keep it from slipping out. He looked up at Kaoru for whatever was next.

It was no surprise when Kaoru’s next move was to rub the head of his cock over Kyo’s lips, and Kyo didn’t need to be told what he was supposed to do. He just opened his mouth and relaxed into the way Kaoru’s fist tightened in his hair.

The angle was a little bit awkward, but one would never know from the determination with which Kaoru fucked Kyo’s mouth.

It was nearly embarrassing how much Kyo got off on being used. Paired with the vibrator still buzzing away in his pass, he was _whimpering_ around Kaoru’s cock, sure he was going to cum untouched at any moment, and Kaoru had never granted him permission.

Technically, Kyo probably didn’t need permission. Kaoru had never ordered him to wait. He’d never said much on the subject at all.

Actually, sometimes Kyo wished Kaoru would talk to him a little more, tell him what he should be doing, let him know when he’d done well. It wasn’t an important part of sex for Kaoru, so it wasn’t part of what they did together, but every now and then Kyo would fantasize about the kinds of things he’d like to hear Kaoru say to him.

Maybe he’d comment on how good Kyo’s mouth looked around his cock, or how good it felt. Maybe he would say how pretty Kyo was, fucked-out and exhausted.

Kyo didn’t _need_ him to say those things. That wasn’t Kaoru, and it wasn’t like Kyo felt something was lacking. He was just quietly grateful when Kaoru came down his throat, becausethough it might not have been with words, it still let Kyo know he’d done something right. And when Kyo himself came a minute later, spilling over his own hand and the kitchen chair, Kaoru passed him a towel so he could clean up.

It was efficient. Kyo never stayed the night, and he had no desire to change that. He returned to his apartment as he always did: satisfied, and very glad to be home in his own bed after touring abroad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all the absolute best. All your comments and love mean so much to me and definitely helped me get through an extremely long workday of a birthday, I hope you know how much I appreciate it, and I hope that I can give some of that joy back to you with my fic nonsense.   
Not sure about that joy in this chapter, but please enjoy! <3!!!

It was nearly three weeks until the whole band met up again, for a magazine photo shoot. Kyo had only gotten together with Kaoru once more in the meantime, for what would probably have been called a quickie, their entire time together lasting less than forty-five minutes. Kaoru had called it “meeting for breakfast.”

Somehow Kyo hadn’t found time to hang out with Die at all, though they had still been texting regularly. Kyo was more disappointed about this than he’d let on. Sure there were various people he enjoyed spending casual time with, but out of all of them, even including Gara, or his other bandmates, no one was quite as easy to be around as Die was.

The thought was also kind of embarrassing, since Kyo knew all too well how popular Die was, and that the feeling was not mutual in the least. He saw Die tagged in enough posts on social media as he went out eating and drinking and smiling with everybody and their cousin. To Die, Kyo was sure he was just another colleague—or hopefully another _friend_—but to Kyo, that friendshipwas really something so rare as to be cherished, and here he was not cherishing it at all. Go figure.

He made sure to go right up to Die as soon as he had a chance. The redhead was sitting patiently, getting his hair styled for the shoot, and Kyo had to wait until he was sure he wouldn’t be interrupting a conversation with the stylist. Die noticed him hovering to the side before he even got to say anything, and smiled at him in the mirror.

“Hey, Kyo, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing,” Kyo said. “I just wanted to… say hey. Sorry, things have been so busy since we got back.”

Die shrugged. “No worries, I know how it is. I’ve been busy, too.”

“Right.”

It was a peculiar thing about the adjustment back to everyday life after a tour that they’d commiserated over in the past. On tour, Kyo became accustomed to spending the majority of his time with one fairly limited group of people, and while sometimes that meant getting fed up with them, more easily annoyed by their very existence than was entirely fair, other times it meant, as it had with Die, that he got _used_ to having those people around, and it was jarring to return to a norm that didn’t involve seeing them for weeks at a time.

If he was honest, and he usually was, Kyo _missed_ Die. He missed their easy laughter, their late-night talks, and the way he always felt like Die wouldn’t judge him for anything he said or did.

“Look, I know things are probably still busy,” Kyo said, resisting the urge to reach up and rub his eyes, since he already had his makeup on, “but if you ever have time, we should get together. For a meal or whatever—we could go to that Mexican place, if you still want?”

Die’s brows knit in confusion. “Mexican place?”

“The um… the one you were telling me about before?” Kyo shifted on his feet, having the passing panicky thought that that conversation with Die had been in a dream or something. “You said someone recommended it…”

“Oh… Ohh, right, right, I know the place you mean,” Die said finally, much to Kyo’s relief. “Yeah, but it wasn’t all that great, really.”

“Oh,” Kyo echoed. “So you ended up checking it out already?”

“Yeah, last week,” Die said. “It was all right, but what they claimed was ‘spicy’ was pretty disappointing.”

“Guess it’d be hard for them to impress you in that category,” Kyo said. “Anyway, yeah, well. Sometime, we should do something anyway.”

“Yeah, we should.” Die was looking at Kyo a bit strangely as he started to back away.

“I have to go finish getting ready,” Kyo said lamely. “But yeah. Good to see you.”

“You, too,” Die said, but his eyebrows were still lowered.

Kyo hurried to go finish getting dressed for the shoot, feeling like a complete fool. Of course Die would have found someone else to go with; he had no shortage of friends. It was only natural that he wouldn’t have waited for Kyo, and it wasn’t like Kyo had been all that invested in the promise of Mexican food anyway, and yet for some unfathomable reason, it still stung a tiny bit.

The photo shoot itself went smoothly and was over in good time, but Kyo was having a hard time pulling his mood back up from where he’d let it take a nosedive. He was washing his face and still thinking idly about his own stupidity when it occurred to him to maybe approach Kaoru. What he got from him was obviously very different from the easy, nonjudgmental conversation he enjoyed with Die, but it was a distraction, and above all, that was what he needed.

And that was what his whole thing with Kaoru was really about, them using each other to meet their _needs_. Usually Kyo wasn’t the one to initiate something, but it wasn’t unheard of, so once he’d finishing cleaning up, he went off in search of Kaoru, only to nearly bump into Die as soon as he came out into the hallway.

“Where’s the fire? You okay?” Die asked, looking Kyo up and down in a way that probably meant he looked about as frazzled as he felt.

“I’m—looking for Kaoru,” Kyo said, before he could think better of it. He could only hope Die didn’t notice at pattern here.

And judging by the minute narrowing of Die’s eyes, that hope might have been too much to ask for, but all he said was, “Last I saw, he was back talking with the photographer.”

“Thanks,” Kyo muttered, and went back in the direction of the main hall where they’d done the actual shoot.

Sure enough, Kaoru was there, engaged now in some discussion with the photographer’s assistant. Kyo wasn’t close enough to eavesdrop, but it seemed to involve a lot of dubious head-shaking.

All at once, Kyo started to doubt himself. Already in the past few weeks, he and Kaoru had had more encounters than was really typical for them, and he didn’t want to overstep somehow, to appear too demanding, to make it seem like he wanted more than what they had. Their arrangement had been working well for _years_ and he didn’t want things to change between them.

Before he could fully decide to back out and return to the dressing room, Kaoru was walking towards him.

“Were you looking for me?” he asked.

“I was, yeah,” Kyo admitted. “It’s nothing important, I just wondered whether you had, um, _time_, later.” He gave him a meaningful look.

It was enough, and Kaoru’s eyebrows lifted in surprise before he glanced around to make sure no one else was in earshot. “You mean tonight?”

Kyo nodded. “Just have some energy to burn off.”

Kaoru pursed his lips. “I actually have a date tonight…”

“Ah.” Kyo blinked twice. “Okay. Don’t worry about it, then.”

“Well, hold on,” Kaoru said, scratching thoughtfully at his jaw. “I do have a couple hours till I’m supposed to meet her, if you want to…?”

Kyo shook his head quickly. “No, that’s all right. I was just… looking for a distraction.”

Kaoru opened his mouth, like he wanted to say more—maybe he was going to make a suggestion as to how Kyo could distract himself—but Kyo had already started walking backwards away from him.

“Enjoy your date,” Kyo said, and turned to head back to the dressing room.

Well, that had been a bust.

Kyo wasn’t hurt that Kaoru had a date. It wasn’t overly surprising; he knew that Kaoru dated from time to time, and that Kaoru was also honest with the women he dated (and they really were always women) that he wasn’t interested in an exclusive relationship.

Though he wasn’t honest with them about the fact that he was fucking his male bandmate on the side and had no intention of stopping.

It rubbed Kyo more the wrong way when Kaoru was so blasé about doing both in the same evening. He knew Kaoru was responsible about using protection and that he was tested regularly, but still the idea of being some warm-up act for Kaoru before he went on his date made Kyo feel sort of uncomfortable and dehumanized.

He was deep enough in thought that it took Kyo a minute to realize the dressing room wasn’t empty when he returned to it. Eventually he felt Die’s eyes on him, and rather than reacting like any kind of normal person, he turned towards him and snapped, “_What_?”

Die put up his hands. “Nothing.” He lowered his hands again slowly, still watching Kyo. “Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

“No,” Kyo said, which wasn’t true. “I mean, nothing is bothering me.” Also not true. But he didn’t think he could explain his current distress to Die—he wasn’t even sure he could totally explain it to himself. He wasn’t upset that Kaoru was going on a date, didn’t want more from him than he had, but somehow… He asked for so little. It was so rare for him to go to Kaoru and want something from him that the rejection felt more poignant than it might have had he been more accustomed to it.

And it was right on the tails of the rejection he’d gotten from Die—which was _also_ not a real rejection, but which was a reminder that he was _less_. Less to Die than Die was to him, _less_ to Kaoru than Kaoru was to him. Kyo didn’t date. He didn’t think it was wrong for Kaoru to do so, as long as he was upfront with everyone involved about his level of commitment, but Kyo never really sought additional fulfillment elsewhere. He got his sexual needs met with Kaoru; that was enough.

But Kyo was, at times like this, keenly aware that _he_ was not enough for Kaoru.

He was _less_.

“Fine,” Die said. “You don’t have to talk about it.” He stood from his seat at the far left of the dressing room and came back to where Kyo was standing holding his bag. “But I’m free right now. Wanna go get dinner?”

Kyo wanted to turn him down, wanted to reject him just for the sake of rejecting _someone_. Fortunately he caught himself and nodded gratefully, letting Die lead the way out to the parking lot where his car was waiting.

It was no great surprise that dinner with Die brought some sense of peace to Kyo’s mind. Die talked about what he’d been doing since their return from tour, the music he’d been working on at home, and how excited he was for the band to work together at the studio again so they could get them turned into finished songs. He got off on a tangent about some new equipment he was eager to try out, something about looping or… re-amplifying… Kyo wasn’t really paying full attention, but he was enjoying the conversation nonetheless. It was what he needed. A distraction.

Die suddenly started laughing and Kyo looked up from where he’d been staring into his tea, wondering just what joke he had missed. 

“Wait, what happened?”

Die shook his head. “No, I just realized how much I’ve been going on, and how utterly you are spacing out. Struck me as funny.”

Kyo didn’t bother denying it. He didn’t really feel like he had to, with Die. “I’m sorry. I guess—”

“Your head’s somewhere else, I know,” Die said. He leaned his chin on his hand and looked soberly at Kyo. “Been that way a lot lately, hm?”

Kyo frowned. He didn’t actually think he’d been in his head that much more lately than usual. It was just that since he’d gotten closer with Die, gotten more comfortable sharing things, there hadn’t been that much he’d felt the need to keep from him. The stuff with Kaoru coming uprepeatedly wasn’t something Kyo had anticipated, and it was clear that now Die was feeling the awkwardness of that.

“I’ve been distracted,” Kyo said. “And then I’ve been _trying_ to distract myself.”

“Is that what this is?” Die asked with a vague gesture to the restaurant.

“Well. Kind of,” Kyo said, wincing. He wasn’t sure how Die would take that, if it might offend him to be _used_ that way, as a mere distraction from whatever Kyo wouldn’t share.

Die just tilted his head. “And is it helping?”

“Yes,” Kyo said. “It is, and I appreciate you a whole lot more than I know I’m good at expressing.

Die smiled then. “Then I have no problem with distracting you for as long as you need—though it is getting late.”

“Oh,” Kyo said, and checked the time on his own phone. “Sorry, I hadn’t noticed.”

“It’s no problem,” Die said, and Kyo believed him. “You want me to drive you home?”

Somehow the offer made Kyo’s heart sink. Die would drive him home and the evening would be over, just Kyo alone with his thoughts again. He did his utmost to muster up a smile as he said, “Yes, thank you.”

Die looked at him for a long moment, seemed to look right through him. “I get that something is really gnawing at you. You don’t have to tell me what it is, you know that, you never do—but if you want me to stick around, to keep distracting you… I’m here for you, for whatever you need. You only ever need to ask.”

And that was exactly what Kyo always liked about how he and Die spent time together. Die let things go unsaid, but when there was something Kyo needed, he always knew he could ask Die to hear him out, and whatever was on his mind, no matter how heavy it was, there was safety in the knowledge that he could turn to Die.

“So then,” Kyo said, “would you want to come hang out at my place?” He realized belatedly he was holding his breath as he waited for Die’s response. It wasn’t often that he had guests over, and the prospect had him more nervous than he expected.

But Die beamed at him, warm as ever. “Gladly.”

They made a quick stop at the conbini on the way over to Kyo’s apartment because he really had nothing to drink at home and wanted to be able to at least offer Die _something_ since he was doing him a favor coming over at all. 

They came into Kyo’s genkan twenty minutes later, with an assortment of conbini drinks and snacks that they might as well have picked with their eyes closed, both of them still laughing over their interaction with the cashier.

“Did you see how confused she was when you put the _bananas_ on the counter?” Die was saying as he worked his shoes off.

Kyo snorted. “I think she was most confused because it was so obvious that we _weren’t_ intoxicated—” 

“And we weren’t even buying any alcohol!”

“Exactly!” Kyo dropped his keys on the little table in the hallway. “I also think she might have recognized you.”

“No way,” Die said. “I don’t really think she’s our demographic.”

“Okay, well, she was at least _trying_ to _decide_ if she recognized you,” Kyo said. He took a few things out of their bag from the store, handed them off to Die, and went to put the rest away in the kitchen. 

Die’s voice called after him, “Yeah, I still think you’re making shit up!”

Kyo came back to the living room, chuckling, carrying two glasses with ice. “Or maybe you’re just picture-perfect handsome enough that you read, even to total strangers, as some kind of celebrity.”

Die’s eyebrows rose. “Handsome?” 

“Maybe she was trying to figure out which Johnny’s group you’re from."

“Augh!” Die wrinkled his nose.

“One of the old, expired ones, you know, you’re obviously not a teenager from one of the new boy bands,” Kyo said smirking, and sat on the floor at the low table in the middle of the room.

“All right, enough already,” Die said, rubbing at his forehead. He sat down as well. “Jesus, remind me not to go to the conbini with you next time.”

Kyo scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; we had a great time.” He cracked open the drink closest to him, some bottled coffee, and poured it into his glass, adding, “you know you really could have gotten alcohol though, if you wanted. Just ‘cause I don’t feel like getting drunk with you doesn’t mean I mind if you’re drinking.”

“No, I know that, of course,” Die said. “I’m not drinking much these days, though, and I figured I’ll have to drive home eventually.”

Kyo nodded, took a sip of his drink. Watching as Die picked a beverage for himself and poured it into a glass, he thought it felt natural having Die sitting there across from him, like this was a regular occurrence, rather than the first time he’d ever had Die over.

“Oh!” Kyo said then as the realization hit. “You’ve never been here!”

Die stifled a brief giggle behind his own drink. “No, I haven’t.”

“Ah! Well, um. Welcome to my apartment,” Kyo said, waving a hand. 

“Very nice,” Die said politely.

“Thanks,” Kyo said. He looked around, searching for something else he should introduce, and ended up just pointing down the hall. “Bathroom’s down that way if you need it.”

“Good to know,” Die said, still snickering a bit.

Kyo didn’t mind much if Die laughed at him. He was just glad he was there. Maybe he hadn’t noticed just how lonely he was until he had some company.

“You know, it’s funny,” Kyo said, leaning back on his hands. “But the original thing I was trying to distract myself from—was you.”

Die looked at him, confused. “Me? How so?” 

“I guess… I don’t know.” Kyo chewed his lip. Having Die in his living room made him feel loose and open, like he could say things he might usually keep quiet about. “I missed you, after we’d been hanging out so much on the tour.”

“Yeah?” Die half-smiled, leaning his elbows on the table.

"But I know you have a lot of friends,” Kyo said. He shrugged one shoulder. “I have a hard time being comfortable around people, but you don’t, and I know I’m just one of literally dozens of friends who are probably vying for your time.”

“I don’t think of you as just—”

“And like, even though I’m aware of that, I guess you kind of reminded me,” Kyo said, trying not to be as awkward as he felt. “So I felt kinda dumb, kinda shitty—not that that’s your fault, I don’t mean it’s your fault at all.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that,” Die said seriously. “I really didn’t—”

“I know, I know,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “I told you, it’s not your fault.”

“But, if I made you feel bad… why am I the distraction?” Die was, not unreasonably, puzzled.

“Right, well, that…” Kyo paused, let his tongue slide over his lips as he considered what to say. Maybe he shouldn’t mention the business with Kaoru, since that was kind of outing him without his permission. On the other hand, it was Kyo’s life too, and he _trusted_ Die, knew it wasn’t like any harm would come to Kaoru by Die knowing.

“You weren’t exactly my first choice for a distraction,” he said, after what must have been an overly conspicuous silence.

“No, Kaoru was, wasn’t he?” Die said, not meeting Kyo’s eyes.

For all of Kyo’s wrestling with what he would _tell_ Die, he wasn’t prepared for him to know already.

“I noticed you always seem to be looking for him lately,” Die said. His voice was soft. “You don’t have to tell me why if you… don’t want to.”

“Well, just,” Kyo started, stopped, started again, “Kaoru is very good at. Being distracting.”

Die didn’t have any visible reaction to that. “So, why isn’t he the one distracting you now?”

“He was busy,” Kyo said. Then, with a sigh, “He had a date.”

Die’s mouth made a little “o” and he nodded slowly, like it all made sense, and that kind of worried Kyo actually, because in fact he’d hardly explained anything at all.

“I’m not upset that Kaoru had a date,” Kyo said.

“It’s okay,” Die said. He looked dangerously close to pulling Kyo in for some condescending hug and Kyo hated it.

“Seriously, I don’t feel that way about Kaoru; it just kinda sucked to be rejected in favor of someone else,” Kyo said, somewhat startled by the bitterness in his own voice.

“Rejected how?” Die said, looking confused again. “If you don’t feel ‘that way’ about him, what did you ask him for?”

That was apparently the question Kyo didn’t want to answer. He squirmed slightly and said, “I wasn’t specific. Just… the usual.”

Die stared at him, not getting it.

Kyo breathed out, reminded himself that this was _Die_, and he wasn’t going to judge him for whatever he might say. “You know. Sex, whatever.”

Die’s eyes went wide and he blinked a few times. “Sex.”

Kyo shrugged. “Yeah, or fucking, whatever you want to call it.”

“Sex with Kaoru,” Die repeated, “is… ‘the usual’?”

“Not like all the time,” Kyo said, starting to feel like Die’s reaction was a little less supportive than he’d hoped for.

“I’m sorry, you guys are… what, together?”

“No, not like a relationship or anything,” Kyo said. “Just sex, casual.”

“Fuck buddies?” Die said, eyebrow raised.

“I guess, more or less.”

“How long has that been going on?”

“Um.” Kyo had to think about that. It wasn’t like he’d really been keeping track. He tried to think back to the first time they’d ended up with Kyo shoved against a wall, Kaoru’s hand in his pants—It had been on the set of the “Unraveling” PV; he could remember how Kaoru had grabbed at his leather jacket, how he’d gotten his own hands in Kaoru’s long hair. “Maybe… about six years,” Kyo said.

“About six _years_,” Die said. “But you’re not together.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Kyo said again. “We just get what we need from each other.”

“Sexually,” Die clarified.

“Right.”

“And you’re… satisfied with that?”

“Yeah?” Kyo said uncertainly. Die still didn’t seem like he was really getting it, but Kyo couldn’t tell where his confusion with it lay. “It’s worked for us.”

A strange derisive laugh came out of Die then, and he ran a hand through his hair.

“Die? Is there a problem?” Kyo asked, feeling wary.

“No, no problem. Just my bandmates fucking casually for years and never bothering to mention it. Why would I have a problem with that?”

Kyo was taken aback. “O…kay, well you obviously seem to, so you tell me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Die said, followed by another little stuttering laugh. “I could understand if you were in love with him or something, if you guys were dating and wanted to keep it private, but—_six years_, and you’re just… fucking. That’s it?”

“I don’t really get why you’re making a big deal out of it,” Kyo said uncomfortably. “Sex without strings attached is hardly an unheard-of concept.”

“But there _are_ strings attached, Kyo,” Die said. His voice wasn’t soft anymore. It was harsh, biting, something Kyo wanted to shield himself from. One of Die’s hands formed a fist, but then relaxed again. “It’s not like it’s some random person you’re sleeping with, it’s _Kaoru_. If things go south, it could hurt the whole _band_.”

“Go south _how_?” Kyo said, irritated. “It’s just _sex_!”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Die said. “You sound so damn naive.”

“I don’t get what you want here,” Kyo said, crossing his arms over his chest. “You think it’s wrong for us to fool around without feelings, but you think even unattached sex is too much of a risk to the band—”

“Because you guys didn’t tell anyone!”

“How is our sex life your fucking business?!” Kyo snapped.

Die stopped, mouth open for a second before he rubbed a hand over his face, and pushed himself up to his feet. “You’re right.”

“Die, hang on—”

Die shook his head, held up a hand to stop Kyo from getting up after him. “I’m gonna go. I don’t think I can really be here right now.”

“Seriously?” Kyo couldn’t hide his disbelief at how Die was reacting to the whole thing.

“I’ll see you around, Kyo.” Die grabbed his jacket and shoes, and was out of the apartment a moment later.

Kyo had a hard time falling asleep that night. His brain wouldn’t stop going over what Die said, not even for a minute, and even though he didn’t agree with him, he couldn’t put the thoughts aside.

He didn’t believe that he and Kaoru owed the details of their intimacy to the rest of the band. He didn’t think casual sex with Kaoru was going to negatively impact their work. After all, it hadn’t changed things so far and it had been years. This incident with Die finding out was the riskiest episode in their whole history, and that wasn’t really because of Kaoru and Kyo meeting up for the occasional quickie; it was more because of Kyo growing closer to Die as a friend, sharing things that he should have had the sense to keep to himself.

In the end, that was the greatest takeaway from all this. Kyo should have just kept his mouth shut, but he’d gotten so _comfortable_ with Die, so trusting, that he’d really thought he could tell him what was going on and not be judged for it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He’d never seen it coming, and that just made the judgment that much more painful. He’d thought whatever he told Die would be accepted, understood without argument. Instead he’d been left feeling confused and ashamed, wondering whether he really _was_ being foolish, _naive_, for carrying on with Kaoru like this.

And yet, it had never been a problem before. Kyo wasn’t worried that he would suddenly develop feelings for Kaoru, and Kaoru had always made it perfectly clear that his feelings about Kyo were of a totally non-romantic variety. He rarely even kissed him.

What they had was good enough for them. So why wasn’t it good enough for Die?


	3. Chapter 3

Kyo didn’t text Die for the next week, which was fine, since Die didn’t contact him either.

When a message from Die _did_ come, it was a simple _Can we talk?_

Kyo ignored it. As far as he was concerned, if Die had been the one to storm out in the middle of their argument, he didn’t get to come crawling back trying to finish it a week later. Kyo didn’t feel he owed Die a response. He was still trying to get over the betrayal he felt over Die’s initial reaction.

Kyo also hadn’t heard anything lately from Kaoru, or from the rest of the band. That was a bit of a relief. He had been worried at first that Die might go announcing his confession to everyone else, which certainly wasn’t something for which he was ready. Judging by how no one had called him in outrage, Kyo was assuming that hadn’t happened.

Still, he’d have liked to talk to Kaoru about the situation. Maybe it was time for them to reconsider their arrangement.

Actually, that idea only pissed Kyo off. He wouldn’t have thought that if it weren’t for Die and his assholery, so _no_, he wasn’t going to stop fooling around with Kaoru. He enjoyed what he had with him and he shouldn’t have to be ashamed of it. He was sure it wasn’t all that weird a thing to sleep with one’s bandmate; he could probably point out other examples in their own genre as evidence.

And so Kyo went on ignoring Die’s texts until they had to see each other in person again, at the studio this time. They were having a meeting, discussing upcoming performances and the necessary rehearsals, and Kyo noticed Die kept _looking_ at him, looking between him and Kaoru, and it just irritated him more. How could he have been stupid enough to think Die was really his friend? Just because he felt at ease around him, had fun with him, could talk with him about anything—or he’d thought he could.

He wouldn’t make that mistake again. He just hoped Die wouldn’t do something to make it all even worse, like confront Kaoru. He was sure that if what they had together lost its private element it would lose all appeal for Kaoru, and if Kyo had to let go of their arrangement just because he’d made the mistake of trusting Die with something delicate, he’d have a hard time forgiving himself.

He really didn’t feel like hanging around after the meeting to talk to—well, anyone, and so he got his jacket on as quickly as possible, and after the bare minimum of polite goodbyes, Kyo was out the door.

He only made it as far as the hallway before Die was catching up with him, calling his name like that would get him to stop.

Still, his longer strides meant Kyo had little hope of escaping unless he actually broke into a run, which, no, thank you.

“_Kyo_,” Die said, for the nth time, finally close enough to catch Kyo by the sleeve.

Kyo shook him off. “You need something?”

Die scowled. “Look, I get that you’re pissed, but I am, too.”

“What the hell do _you_ have to be pissed about?”

Die’s eyes closed. “That’s—that’s not really what I meant.”

“Pretty sure it is,” Kyo said. “If you recall, I’m not the one who got all uptight in the first place.”

Die rubbed between his eyes, like he was trying to ward off some incoming pain. “Which is _why_ I’m trying to talk to you now, so we can—I want to—”

“I’m not interested,” Kyo cut him off. “I feel like I learned my lesson when it comes to _talking_ to you, and it’ll be a while before I feel like putting myself in that situation again.”

He was about to turn and make for the stairs when another voice stopped him.

“What situation is that?”

Kaoru looked only half-interested as he approached, but he still came to a stop where they were standing and looked between them like he expected an answer.

“It’s nothing,” Kyo muttered, and hoped to god that Die wouldn’t make a scene.

Fortunately he just shook his head and strode off without another word.

Kyo breathed a sigh of relief.

“He in some kind of mood?” Kaoru asked, looking down the hall after Die.

“He’s just…” Kyo didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He hardly wanted to drag the whole reality of the problem out into the open, but he couldn’t think of anything else he could claim he and Die were having a disagreement over. In all their years of knowing each other, even with Kyo’s stubbornness and Die’s occasionally unpredictable temper, they’d never really _fought_.

Kaoru shrugged off Kyo’s incomplete thought and nudged him lightly with his elbow. “Tonight?”

A shiver ran down Kyo’s neck at the sudden change in his tone, and he gave a brief nod. He hadn’t checked his calendar, but anything he had scheduled could almost definitely be moved. He was currently far more interested in what he could get from Kaoru than in anything else he might have planned.

He was never really disappointed with Kaoru. His mind was totally cleared of all his troubles as he lay on Kaoru’s bed, folded nearly in half as Kaoru fucked into him relentlessly, hard enough that the headboard slammed against the wall with every thrust, and there were tears in Kyo’s eyes at the overwhelming sensation of it all.

It was good. Just what Kyo needed, honestly, the sheer visceral presence of Kaoru, the feeling that would surely last at least a day or two after the encounter, reminding Kyo that it had really happened and Kaoru had really been there.

Kaoru shifted slightly, and then sped up his thrusts.

Kyo had been doing this with him long enough to know his tells. Kaoru was nearing his end. Kyo really wasn’t all that close himself, but he didn’t care much. It wasn’t really about him.

What he did care about was that once Kaoru was finished, that would be that. It would be time for Kyo to return home, alone with his thoughts and only the dull ache between his legs to keep him sure this had been more than a fantasy. As soon as Kaoru finished, Kyo would lose this brief moment of connection that he got to have with someone.

Kyo dug his fingers into Kaoru’s shoulder blades, hands slipping slightly on the sheen of sweat covering both of them. He didn’t want it to be over. He wanted more from Kaoru, and his voice cracked as he said his name aloud.

They really didn’t talk during their sessions together. Kaoru would say curtly where Kyo was supposed to get into what position, would check to confirm the tightness and comfort of any restraints used, but there wasn’t anything else they needed to discuss. Particularly Kyo never really said anything in the midst of things, and it startled him as much as it did Kaoru that he was speaking up now.

Kaoru grunted in question, but didn’t stop moving in and out of Kyo’s body.

“I want—” Kyo whispered, and he was glad that he could speak right against Kaoru’s ear, without seeing his face or raising his voice. “Want you to—cum _on me_.”

“Yeah?”

“_Please_.”

Kyo wasn’t even sure where the request had come from. He never asked for things, and it was almost unthinkable for him to break from Kaoru’s established routine. Kaoru always used a condom, and he always came while he was deep inside Kyo. That was how he liked it. Specifically asking for something different was pure selfishness on Kyo’s part.

It wasn’t clear whether Kaoru was agreeing to it or not, but then all at once he pulled out, removed the condom and jacked his cock until he was shooting thick white ropes all over Kyo’s lower abdomen.

“There,” Kaoru said, still breathing hard as he dropped his hand from his cock. “That what you wanted?”

Kyo ran a hand through the cum covering him while Kaoru climbed off the bed and started putting himself back together. He gave a shaky nod that he wasn’t sure Kaoru even saw.

Kaoru chuckled, glancing over at him. “Messy boy.” He tossed a package of wet wipes onto the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Kyo heard the shower turn on a moment later.

Pushing himself up onto his elbows, Kyo looked down at himself. He was still hard, his cock drooling against his belly, debauched and sticky with Kaoru’s release. Presumably he was meant to be gone by the time Kaoru got back from the shower, so he opened the wet wipes and set to cleaning himself up.

When he got back to his own apartment, Kyo didn’t feel satisfied. Not even sexually. He felt pent-up and lonely and used, and none of it was as fun as it used to be.

He wanted to blame it on Die, wanted to rage at how he’d sucked the joy out of the one constant—or at least recurring—connection that Kyo had, and made it hollow. But he knew that hollowness wasn’t Die’s doing. It had always been there, and in the past, that had been part of the appeal. Now, much as he hated to admit it, Kyo was starting to think this arrangement was no longer meeting his needs, and maybe that meant it was time for it come to an end, after all.

It wasn’t uncommon for Kyo to isolate himself. 

Even with people he liked, it wasn’t always easy for him to make himself physically and emotionally available, and when he was feeling distrustful it was just the natural response for him to withdraw completely.

The backfiring side of this habit was that when he was already suffering from loneliness, his problem was exacerbated by his self-imposed solitude.

His upset with Die led to him ignoring or outright declining invitations to spend time with any and everyone. If he couldn’t get what he needed from Kaoru and he couldn’t feel comfortable around Die, Kyo couldn’t think of anyone he’d like to see at all.

He reached out to let Kaoru know he didn't want to continue their casual arrangement. 

Kaoru didn't argue or question it, but he did say, "I hope it wasn't anything I did."

Kyo was quick to reassure him, to say it wasn't any _problem_ exactly, it just wasn't what he wanted anymore.

Kaoru was understanding. "I'll look back fondly on what we had together," he said.

"I will, too."

Kyo wasn't sure how true that was. In reality, reminiscing on such things would probably only make him feel shittier, and maybe make it hard to move on. He grew even more reclusive after that.

It wasn't as if he could avoid seeing people altogether, though. Nearly every day he had some meeting to attend for one of his many projects, or fittings to go to in preparation for upcoming appearances. He had just switched off any socializing mode entirely, and interacted with everyone in a solely professional manner.

Understandably this behavior didn’t go unnoticed, and after only a week or two he started receiving a steady stream of _concerned_ messages, asking if everything was _okay_, or if he needed anything.

Kyo hated those messages. He hated that he made people feel like they had to send them. As far as he was concerned, his problems were his own (Lord knows he created them himself), and no one else should be trying to shoulder responsibility for them.

Most people he could shut down in apolite and concise paragraph, saying he was sorry if he’d worried them, that he was tired and had been fighting off a cold lately. It wasn’t his first choice to lie, but for most people, he didn’t really give enough of a fuck to let them having anything more personal than that.

Then there were outliers. Yuchi was always one of the people inviting him out, and after being turned down so many times, he was starting to take it personally. Shinya had been one of the first people to call Kyo out on his uncharacteristic aloofness, and he wasn’t someone who could be waved off and satisfied with some bullshit excuse. Kyo respected him too much to even try.

That didn’t mean he could tell them the whole story, and Kyo had started evading any messages from Shinya, coming up with reasons why he was too busy to reply until days later, if he replied at all. In the end, he’d have to deal with it; when they worked together it wouldn’t be possible for him to block Shinya out, and with tour rehearsals on the horizon, it couldn’t be avoided forever.

All the same, when Kyo’s phone vibrated with yet another new message, he was half-tempted to go outside and bury the device in the apartment complex’s humble garden just so he wouldn’t have to face it.

When he opened the text, though, it wasn’t from Shinya, or Yuchi, or any other well-wisher.

No, it was from Die.

Somehow, even after how rudely Kyo had spoken to him—whether it was justified or not—Die hadn’t given up his attempts to get in contact with him.

_I’m thinking about you. I still want to talk, whenever you feel ready to do that._

Kyo sighed. Whenever he felt ready to talk to Die? When would that be? He’d tried to talk to him to begin with, and Die had looked at him with… such disgust and judgment. How was Kyo supposed to march back into an environment like that?

Then again, if he was going to have to face Shinya at rehearsal, he would surely have to face Die then, too. Maybe it would be better to get the worst parts of a confrontation over with before the rest of the band was there to witness it.

Letting out a deep breath, Kyo replied, _So talk._

Although he’d figured Die would respond right away, Kyo was still kind of impressed when the next message came in mere seconds later:

_We both know face-to-face is better. It’s too easy to be misunderstood via text._

Kyo groaned. Why was Die turning it into some huge ordeal, a Talk with a capital T? And who was to say that an in-person conversation would be that much better? They’d been face-to-face when they’d had their falling out at the beginning of all this. 

Grudgingly, he wrote back, _Fine. When do you want to meet?_

There was more of a pause, then. Maybe Die was stunned by Kyo’s cooperation, since Kyo thought he was really being awfully fucking cooperative. Saint-like, truly.

Then, _Are you busy right now…?_

Kyo scoffed. Right now? Well. No, technically he wasn’t busy; he was at home, sprawled on his bed, doodling in his sketchbook while Netflix played in the background. But that didn’t mean he wanted to get cleaned up and venture out of his apartment.

With the acknowledgment that he would probably regret his decision, Kyo sent another message:

_I’m at home. Come over._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I've had a surprisingly busy week and been completely exhausted. But finally I have a chance to post! Love you all!

Kyo hadn’t actually had any guests over to his apartment since Die’s previous visit, but he refused to do anything to tidy up or make a good impression. As far as Kyo was concerned, this could be an extremely short meeting. He was not unwilling to make some kind of peace, but if Die was going to judge Kyo and his lifestyle choices, then it wasn’t worth Kyo’s time to strengthen the bond between them.

Die arrived within the hour, looking as effortlessly fashionable as he always did, but with a sad sort of expression on his face that Kyo didn’t like to see there.

When they were seated in Kyo’s living room, Die looked down into his tea, and spoke, stiff and polite, “Thank you for seeing me.”

“Figured we’d have to see each other sooner or later,” Kyo said.

“Right.” Die frowned. “Then. You are still angry.”

Kyo thought about it. He wasn’t exactly angry, not actively. He just felt he’d been betrayed. “More hurt, I guess,” he admitted with slight embarrassment.

“I… understand that,” Die said. “And I’m sorry. I… The stuff I said to you, I was out of line. I’ve just been trying to find a way to explain where I was coming from.”

Kyo leaned his chin on his hand, listening. Part of him didn’t really care where Die was coming from because fuck that noise, but he couldn’t deny that he still didn’t get why Die had reacted so hatefully, and was curious as to the reason.

“I had no idea,” Die said, “about you and Kaoru. All this time we’ve worked together and after how—I thought we’d gotten closer recently…”

Kyo nodded. “I thought so, too.”

“And I had zero clue that you two had been secretly fucking, for years.” Die pushed his hair back. “Obviously, objectively, you don’t owe me that information. But from my perspective… finding out that there was something going on that I was so ignorant of was—difficult.”

“It wasn’t public knowledge,” Kyo said. “You weren’t the only one out of the loop.”

“I know that,” Die said, squeezing his eyes shut. “But when you said it, so—so _carelessly_, I couldn’t… process it.”

“So your reaction…”

“I regret it,” Die said. “I wish I could take it back, have the chance to respond to what you told me, having had the time to accept it.” He sighed. “But if I’m being completely honest, I still—I guess I just don’t understand."

Kyo’s brow furrowed. What was there to understand? What had made his and Kaoru’s arrangement work was how straightforward it was. “Which part of it?” he asked.

“I could understand if you were in love with him,” Die said, his eyes open but glued to the tabletop. “I thought that was what you were going to confess at first. And I _know_ that sometimes casual sex is all someone wants, but—within the band? We’re all so close that it’s hardly casual. And I guess I don’t get why—if you’re not opposed to mixing business and relationships—but you’re not in love with Kaoru—why you would rather just fool around and hide it from everyone than—I don’t know,” he trailed off, raising a hand to rub at his forehead.

“Than… what?” Kyo said, confused. “What’s the alternative solution that I’m missing?”

Die swallowed. “Me?” He tentatively looked up at Kyo’s face. “Like… _dating_ me?”

Kyo gaped at him.

“But if you literally only want your sexual needs met and none of the other aspects of a relationship,” Die said quickly, color rising to his cheeks, “then obviously, that’s your choice, and I know you said it works for you and Kaoru, so—I didn’t mean—”

“Just—Stop. Stop,” Kyo said, holding up both hands. He couldn’t follow anything Die was saying when his brain had stalled a ways back. “Dating—_Dating_ you?”

“I know,” Die said with a grimace. “You’ve never done anything to suggest you wanted—I just—With how much closer we’ve been—”

“Die,” Kyo cut him off again. “I… never realized that was an option.”

Die’s mouth twitched and wobbled. He shrugged. “I’ve always been here.”

“And you’re saying _you_ would want to date _me_?” Kyo asked, for clarification.

“I—Jesus. Yes, Kyo,” Die said, with a short, damp laugh. He rubbed his nose. “I’m. I like you so much.”

“I like you, too,” Kyo said. He was aware as he said it just how true it was. He’d always liked Die, and he’d never considered him as a possibility for more than a friend, but now he was wondering why the hell not? Everything that he always felt was lacking with Kaoru was something Die provided freely.

With Die, he felt free to talk and express himself, he felt comfortable just being near him, and it was always clear that Die cared about Kyo, about his wants and needs, and about being there for him. Maybe because he’d had feelings for him all this time.

Die shifted around, sat up a little straighter. “I’m not trying to tell you how to handle your relationship with Kaoru. I would never give you an ultimatum, or say you should end things with him and start things with me.” He took a breath. “That’s your choice, and always should be. I just wanted to explain myself, and to let you know—because you deserve to know.”

“Thank you,” Kyo said.

He wasn’t sure what to do from there. In Die’s efforts to not force anything on Kyo, or pressure him with a decision, he’d also left Kyo very little indication of what he’d like the next step to be.

After a few seconds Kyo opted to tell him, “I’m not seeing Kaoru anymore. I’d already made up my mind about that, and he was understanding when I broke it off. It _did_ work for us, for years, but recently… There’s too much distance. Not enough connection. It’s not what I want anymore.”

“You want a connection,” Die said. “Not just sex.”

Kyo nodded. “I… feel connected to you.”

Die’s eyes widened. “You do? I mean, I feel connected to you, too. Like I can share things—share myself.”

“Exactly.” Kyo worried his lip with his teeth and released it. “I really didn’t know I could have been dating you. I never knew how you felt.”

“Now you do.”

“I want that,” Kyo said. “Want what you can give me, and want _you_.” He peered at Die. “You’re sure it’s not too late?”

“Now?” Die let out another short, helpless laugh. “How could it be too late? I’m pretty sure I want you more than ever.”

That was all Kyo really needed to hear to pick himself up, get to his feet, and move around the table. Die met him halfway, tugging him into his arms and just holding him before haphazardly pressing kisses all up and down his neck and jawline.

It wasn’t what Kyo expected, and he gasped, taken further by surprise when Die seized that opportunity to slip his tongue between Kyo’s parted lips with no warning whatsoever. He kissed him, tasted him, his tongue sliding against Kyo’s own with heavy intent.

Kyo was already starting to feel lightheaded, the suddenness of it all entirely too much to keep track of. When the kiss broke, he let himself fall back down onto his knees, and looked up at Die, pleading and demanding at once.

Die looked back at him, eyes dark. “Kyo…” he breathed, reverent in a way that Kyo wasn’t used to hearing, but that he loved.

Leaning in, Kyo nuzzled his cheek against Die’s groin. He could feel him growing hard, and he breathed in deeply to keep a grip on himself. He let his lips drag along the outline of Die’s dick in his jeans, never breaking eye contact.

Kyo knew what _he_ wanted, but he wanted to hear it from Die, too. Wanted to hear that low, smooth voice, gone all hoarse with want, telling Kyo how he’d like him to use his mouth.

“This is what you want?” Die asked.

Kyo nodded, let his teeth scrape lightly over the denim covering Die’s cock.

“God, Kyo, you look so good on your knees,” Die said. One hand delved into Kyo’s hair and stayed there. “You wanna suck me off, show me what else you can do with that pretty mouth besides sing?”

Kyo sighed happily at the words. He definitely did want to show Die that, wanted to give him anything he could, and wanted Die to keep talking to him, keep _looking _at him like that. 

He licked all the way up the length of Die’s cock, tenting his jeans, and left a damp trail behind on the fabric. He mouthed at the head, relished the sharpness of Die’s inhale. He could smell him, could very nearly taste him, and couldn’t help but press his hand down over his own steadily filling cock.

Kyo had always loved giving head, loved the way his partner would respond to everything he did. It gave him a sense of control and pride, while simultaneously leaving him at another’s mercy to use and defile.

God, he wanted Die to wreck him.

Kyo moaned softly as the denim darkened further with his saliva. He could feel Die twitching against his lips, like he was eager to get in Kyo’s mouth, and fuck if Kyo wasn’t hungry for it.

Just as he was about to dive back in, a harsh tug on his hair stopped him, and Kyo looked mournfully up at Die, who was pulling him away from his work.

“Give me a second, I’m not stopping you,” Die said, even as he gently pushed Kyo back to arm’s distance. “These fucking jeans… They’re so tight.” He sounded faintly embarrassed and fumbled his fly open. “They must’ve shrunk in the wash.”

Kyo smirked, fully prepared to make some snarky comment, but the words dropped out of his mind as he stared at Die.

With his impossibly tight jeans open, Die’s cock in his boxers was free to stand up, straight out from his body, temptingly long even still hidden by a layer of clothing, and with a dark, wet spot on the material at the tip.

Kyo’s hips rolled unbidden, and his mouth was actually watering as he kept his eyes on Die’s evident arousal. Die wasn’t even paying him any attention, taking the moment to breathe, and to rake his hair back out of his face. Kyo couldn’t think much past wanting to swallow Die down, feel his hard cock in every part of him, until he ached with being filled.

Shuffling a little closer on his knees, Kyo opened his mouth wide in offering. He still wasn’t sure he was allowed to _ask_ for what he wanted, but if he made himself obviously available for Die’s use, maybe he would take the bait.

Die reached down to push Kyo’s hair back. “You really are so gorgeous. I’m gonna take good care of you, too.”

His boxers were pulled down, then, revealing his flushed erection. He kept a firm grip on Kyo’s hair as he fed him his cock, and Kyo fought back a whine at the combination of sensations rushing to overwhelm him.

Die was gentle. He rocked his hips, but kept a watchful eye on Kyo’s reactions, his thumb stroking along Kyo’s cheekbone like he was precious.

“Fuck,” Die whispered. “You really love sucking cock that much, don’t you? Look how hard you are. That all for me?”

Kyo couldn’t do more than moan around the length filling his mouth. He was hard, every grunt and murmur of praise from Die shooting straight to his dick, which was to say nothing of the way Die was _touching_ him. He wanted Die’s big, capable hands all over him, pulling him apart to reveal whatever was inside.

And he wanted Die to take his pleasure from him. His eyes closed as he imagined Die cumming in his mouth, demanding to see it there before Kyo swallowed it all down. Or, maybe he’d want to see Kyo wearing it, evidence of how Die had so utterly used him.

A small spark of panic set in at the thought. After Die had used him, wouldn’t that be the end of it? Much as Kyo wanted him to feel good, he didn’t want him to be finished as soon as he’d found his pleasure. It was all going to be over too soon.

This lack of concentration had Kyo choking slightly, and he pulled off, coughing and more than a little embarrassed.

Die was kneeling beside him in the same second, one arm around Kyo’s shoulders, soothing him. “Hey, are you okay? Was it too much?”

Kyo shook his head, still trying to catch his breath. He kept his eyes downcast, hoping Die wouldn’t notice how they were watering.

“You don’t have to push yourself,” Die said. “We don’t have to do anything that isn’t what you want to do.”

“I _do_ want this,” Kyo insisted. “I want to give you this—I just—I don’t want that to be the end.”

Die’s brow was wrinkled in confusion. “The end of what?”

Kyo’s shoulders lifted and dropped helplessly. It felt too stupid and needy to say out loud, when of course what else did he really _expect_, once Die was finished with him?

“Kyo,” Die said, careful, like Kyo was an animal that might startle, “I’m not going anywhere. I thought—I’d tried to be clear in explaining myself that _this_—” He gestured ambiguously—“isn’t all I want from you. And if you want something else, all you have to do is say so. We don’t have to do this at all. I won’t be disappointed.”

“Do you mean that, after, you’ll stay?”

Die’s eyebrows drew together even more. “Of course, I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

Kyo’s hands were fisted in Die’s shirt, yanking him forward to kiss him again before he could form any response with words. The idea that he could have some say in it, some control of how things went with Die excited him more than he could really process.

“I want you,” Kyo gasped between kisses, his hands never settling in one place for more than a few seconds. “Want everything, god, I want you touching me.”

“I _am_ touching you,” Die replied, sounding a little lost and desperate himself.

He really was touching Kyo, his hands currently occupied with cupping and squeezing the firmness of Kyo’s round ass, but it wasn’t enough for Kyo by half.

Kyo did his best to express this by climbing into Die’s lap, grinding against him and sucking on his tongue. Pulling back from a kiss, he specified, “_More_. Die, I wanna _fuck_ you.”

Die froze, and Kyo immediately regretted his words. He hadn’t meant to say that. It was _true_, that he’d love to feel Die so tight and warm around him, but that was by no means a requirement. He’d be just as happy with Die fucking him into the mattress, and if that was what Die wanted—

“Fuck, Kyo, _please_,” Die whimpered, cutting off Kyo’s train of thought. He scrambled to get his pants down and fully off—something of a struggle with Kyo still straddling his lap.

Kyo looked down at him, wrapped a hand around Die’s hard cock and stroked him with more patience than he knew he had. “You want me inside you?”

Die breathed out shakily. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted that.”

Wow, no, he sure didn’t. A bit reluctantly, Kyo pushed himself up and pulled at Die’s hand for him to follow. Lube and condoms were in the bedroom, so it was time for this scene to change locations.

Die trailed after him without complaint, and once they were in Kyo’s bedroom, he kissed him again desperately, only pulling back to ask, “How do you want me?”

Kyo hummed, thinking it over. “I want you comfortable,” he said as he pushed Die gently towards the bed, “and loud.”

Die’s cheeks colored noticeably. “Loud?”

“Just honest. If there’s anything you want, don’t hesitate to ask. I want to hear how good you feel.”

Die nodded, gasped as Kyo curled tattooed fingers around his shaft once more.

Kyo kissed up the length of Die’s neck, taking his time with it until he reached his ear, nipped at the lobe. “Get on the bed so I can open you up?”

Die sprang into action without being told twice, presented himself to Kyo, clearly ready for him to take charge, and that trust and generosity was so much that Kyo could have choked on it.

The lube and condoms were pulled out without much thought, and only a minute later, Kyo had two fingers inside Die up to the third knuckle, crooked in search of that special spot to get him to scream for him.

He felt high off the noises that Die made as he worked him open, panting and keening, constantly begging for more, _deeper_. Kyo did what he could to comply.

“I can just tell you’re going to feel amazing,” Kyo said, low in Die’s ear, as he went on scissoring his fingers, stretching him. “Can’t wait to get in you.”

“I’m ready,” Die said. “I’m fucking ready already, please stop teasing me by just talking about it! I want your _cock_.”

Since Kyo had specifically instructed Die to state what he wanted, he could hardly deny such a request, and so he pulled his fingers free, wiping his hand on his pants before standing to take them off and toss them towards the hamper.

He got a condom on, spread some more lube over his length, and checked in with Die, who was still face down, ass up on the bed, surprisingly patient as he awaited Kyo’s next move.

“Is this how you’re comfortable?” Kyo asked, his hand running lightly up Die’s flank. “If you want to move or change your position, you can.”

Die only shifted to spread his legs a little more. “I’m okay like this for now.” His voice was just barely muffled by the pillow to which he was clinging.

Kyo smiled and nodded. He was perfectly satisfied with whatever felt good to Die, and there was no doubt in his mind that they’d have more opportunities in the future to try any variations.

The slide of his cock into Die’s body was smooth, tight, and so much better than Kyo expected. He hadn’t topped in a long while, but the way Die gripped his dick, he could hardly imagine wanting to do anything else.

When his hips were pressed flush against Die’s backside, Kyo took a moment to let him adjust. It was hard not to feel overwhelmed already. Die was so beautiful, sprawled under him, all long limbs and muscles trembling just from what they’d done so far. He was so responsive that Kyo never wanted to stop touching him, whispering to him. Kyo didn’t think he’d ever felt so sure that sex was something he and his partner were _sharing_, rather than just _doing_.

“Kyo, please move, fuck me,” Die begged, pulling Kyo from his thoughts once again.

Kyo didn’t hesitate anymore, then. He held Die firmly in place and drove into him, deep and powerful, ensuring that Die could feel every centimeter of him, and drank up the broken moan he got in response. He wasn’t going to just fuck him hard, though. Every move Kyo made was carefully chosen, aimed to give Die the most pleasure, or to elicit the best reaction from him, and he was fairly confident that his methods were effective.

Die stifled his cries in the pillows in front of him, and he pulled the fitted sheet off one corner of the bed because he wouldn’t let go of it. He met Kyo’s thrusts at first, but became preoccupied with the energy it took just to keep from collapsing altogether.

Kyo waited until he heard Die begging again to reach around and start jerking him off.

“Oh, _fuck_!” Die half-shouted, too loud for the pillows to hide it.

“That’s it, sweetheart,” Kyo murmured, covering Die as much as he could with his smaller body. “Let it out, let me hear you.”

Die whined, his body shuddering. “Oh god, oh god, oh yes, _yes_—fuck, Kyo, I’m gonna cum. Holy shit, I’m gonna _cum—_!”

And Kyo thought in the past he’d seen announcements like that as sort of silly, unnecessary, but on this occasion, uttered in such desperation, mere seconds before Die was spilling hot over Kyo’s fist, it was quite possibly the sexiest thing anyone had ever said.

In fact, Kyo hardly had time to process it before he felt his own orgasm sending its tendrils out to every point in his body, then slamming into him all at once.

No sound escaped him as he came for what felt like an impossibly long time, Die’s body still clenching around him. It seemed that he had severed from reality and was floating somewhere distant, with no air and no pain—only warmth and waves and something so,_ so_ good…

Kyo blinked a few times as he came back to himself and to the evidence of what he and Die had just shared. He pulled out and went to the bathroom to take care of the condom, letting Die relax where he lay, curled on his side, with his waves of hair tangled mermaid-like around him.

When Kyo returned with a glass of water for him, Die spilled almost half of it on himself and the already somewhat-sullied bedsheets. He giggled as Kyo held the glass steady for him.

“Sorry, I guess my coordination’s a little offline at the moment.” He dragged the back of his hand across his mouth.

“I’m happy to help with whatever you need,” Kyo told him truthfully. He set the glass on the nightstand and pushed some of Die’s hair out of his face. “You know, your hair’s really a mess.”

Die snorted and waved a dismissive hand. “Sex hair. Not my priority right now.”

“What is?”

“I’m having this problem,” Die said, lying down with his face propped up on one hand, “where you’re way over there instead of holding me.”

Kyo’s eyebrows jumped. “You want me to hold you? Like… cuddle?”

“Well, yeah,” Die said, looking at him like he was some kind of moron.

And maybe he was, but it just wasn’t what Kyo had expected. He was so used to sex being the end of things that he could barely conceive of someone _asking _him to stay and cuddle afterwards.

He was all too happy to huddle into place, so close against Die that he might as well have been wrapped around him like a sheet of nori. He felt like placing lazy kisses on the back of Die’s neck and shoulders and didn’t stop himself from doing so.

Die was holding his hand where his arm was tucked around Die’s middle. “Mm. This is so good.”

Kyo could tell he was smiling even though he couldn’t see his face.

“This is what you wanted with me?” Kyo asked, still nervous that he’d misunderstood, even at this point.

“All of this,” Die said, nodding. “For as long as I can have it.”

“I think that sounds pretty damn good to me, too.”

“I’m glad we talked.”

Kyo laughed, tried in vain to hide it against Die’s shoulder. “If I’d known it’d end up like this, I would have agreed to talk sooner.”

“I’ll try to be more upfront next time.” 

“And I won’t make you wait again.”

The lasting comfort and closeness left Kyo more sated and content than he’d ever been with Kaoru, and for once he dozed off feeling like nothing was missing.


End file.
